Plan B

19 days. 19 days until we need to be out, so they can move in. How did this happen? How is it that our house sold in a blink of an eye, but despite our relentless searching, we have yet to find a new house to call home?

Its on to plan b. We need somewhere to go. Even if we found our dream home tomorrow, the bank would need 30-45 days to close our loan, leaving us homeless for a month or more. On top of that, we just seem to be running into a variety of other barriers, impediments, hurdles, potholes, etc. It seems that Gabe and I mostly want different things. For instance, different houses. Financial frustrations abound. It doesn't help that Gabe only has one day off a week to go look at houses.

I would be disappointed and defeated if I didn't have such a Mighty God.

I am really not worried, maybe a bit wearied, though. 

As I write that, Galatians 3:9 comes immediately to mind, and I am encouraged:

^"Let us not become weary in doing good, 

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

 So, yes.  Lets not become weary, but lets also be real. We can't be homeless.

We could stay at Gabe's mother's house, she has an extra room. My parents have offered their camper to us. Maybe we'll rent for a while, a long while, and save some more money. Maybe we'll just rent short term while we continue to house hunt. I am sort of dreaming of an apartment, of all things. I like the idea of no maintenance and most of all, a pool all summer long. Am I crazy? I hate apartments.

A house I rented many years ago is up for rent again. It sits at the end of a dead end road that backs up to Pisgah National Forest. I loved the summer I spent there. I often reminisce about that summer for many reasons, it was truly a great summer. One of my favorite memories of the house is of sitting on the deck at night listening to the coyotes and the katydids fill the night air with eerie music. And look, today its on Craigslist for rent. What of that?

I really just want to be settled somewhere with a break from the tumult and upheaval. I think we need to catch our breath for a bit and reevaluate. But what do I know? We truly are just taking it day by day and trying not to make any huge mistakes.

An update and a ramble

We made it  through the very stressful trial of the home inspection and the subsequent price renegotiations. Over the last few weeks of anxiety and fret, Gabe and I have looked at each other, at different times, and said, "please make this stop, make them (the buyers) go away, lets just stay here and call the whole thing off."

Unfortunately, contract signed, that option is impossible for us. The buyers, on the other hand, can call the whole thing off.  For three weeks, they are given the opportunity to inspect the house and to negotiate repairs. They have until May 14th (tomorrow) to cancel the deal based on what they find in the inspections. Barring some MAJOR change of heart on the part of the buyers, who really want our house, this deal is going through. 

Therefore, in one month, we have to be out. Can you sense my excitement? No? Well, its because we have not found a house for ourselves. We have searched daily for our new home. And what we want just isn't manifesting. Our first dilemma came when we realized that what we want can be found, rather easily and affordably, outside of  the county we currently live in. Meaning, we can have our dream home but it would require a 30 minute or more drive to and from Gabe's work daily.

It was not an easy choice.  When committing ourselves to such a major financial burden, we want to do it because we LOVE the house we are buying.  However, Gabe is still working 14 hour days, to that we hate to add an hour or more round trip commute. That's thirty less minutes with us in the morning, his only time with the children. And instead of getting home at 11 or 11:30 pm, he'd be getting home after midnight. It doesn't seems worth it. So we have decided not to look outside of the 20 minute mark for Gabe, which is the greater Asheville area.

And since our price range is low for the Asheville area and we are faced with another dilemma: a nice house or  lots of land. You can have a nice house on a tiny lot in a crowded subdivision. Or you can get a dumpy house or trailer on a big beautiful piece of land. We realize that we might have to make compromises. We know we might not get our dream home this time around. However, we refuse to buy a house out of fear. The compromises we are willing to make must be accompanied by peace and a feeling of satisfaction with our choices.  If and when, we sacrifice our vision for this next house, we insist that it be for a very close 2nd best; and though a compromise, that we still LOVE it!

So now, we are just praying and waiting for the LORD to absolutely THRILL us ( a great prayer, prayed for me by my good friend Jennifer). We may be waiting for a while. That's okay.  In Ephesians 3, we are told that God "is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we can think or imagine".  By golly, I believe it!

So this is our prayer, though by all worldly accounts, we won't be able to find this. We are not looking to the world for our provision!  Can I get an AMEN?

 Lord, If its Your Will for us, We would like a three bedroom, 2 bath house. A good sturdy house, it doesn't have to be new. In fact, preferably would be an old house, recently remodeled. It doesn't have to be so very large, but we would like room to grow into it for a while. Perhaps a basement that could be finished or a room over a garage? I would love a small, upstairs room with lots of natural light and nice view to make for a studio space and Gabe needs a garage or a workshop.  Please, please, a large-ish, mostly level, sunny lot for gardens and lots of outdoor play with dogs and children.  We don't mind painting or freshening up, but this time around, we need a break from a house in need of total rehab. We want a feeling of seclusion, but not isolation. We don't mind neighbors, but no subdivisions. We simply want a bit of land that gives feeling of peace and privacy.  And lastly Lord, we know where this gets tricky, but we need it to be close to town. No more than 20 minutes from Gabe's work and preferably, in the Fairview area. Oh yes, and can our monthly payments actually be LESS than what we pay now?  AMEN!

Under Contract

We put our house on the market last Monday. On Saturday, we received an offer to purchase our home from the second set of folks to tour our house. Six days! I can't say I am totally surprised. ( though I am feeling more and more stunned as the reality sets in). We really pushed hard to get our house ready and on the market by the end of April. There is a first time home buyer credit of $8000 available to home buyers who are under contract by the 30th.  We knew that first time home buyers were really our market, so we were prepared for the possibility that our house might sell quickly. Not to mention that Gabe did such a great job with the remodels and we priced it really well.  Tomorrow our house will be inspected, and if all goes well with that, then we are officially set to be kicked to the curb on June 15th. Six short weeks from now.

We are really excited, but also very anxious about what will happen next. I have very, very high and specific hopes for our next home. We are praying hard that we will find what we are looking for in the next two weeks. If we don't, then we will be looking for a temporary home while we keep searching! I'll keep everyone updated on how the inspections go and better yet, how the house hunting is going. Check out our MLS  listing for a great look at our finished product:)

My Dream Last Night: Part 2

So onto to the meaning of this dream....

First off, this is just my worldly take on it, my woman's intuition. Its just a dream and it probably means nothing at all. You know when you first wake up and you are still kind of "in the dream"; and how sometimes your first impressions of what and why you dreamed are still sort of hanging out in dream world, too. It was on those first impressions that I base this interpretation:

To me, the baby represents something newly created or some new creative venture.... something beautiful.... or maybe just my inner creative desire. And it is READY to be born.

And if I would just stop for one minute to let it be born, just let it come out, it would happen so easily, so quickly, so painlessly.

But, I am busy being busy. Walking about the house is the business of life, of keeping house and children. Also, it is a deliberate busy-ness, a chosen distraction, an excuse of why I can't stop and birth this baby.

In the dream I put off having the baby until a "better" time. I don't feel ready.
At some point, ready or not, its going to happen and I won't be able to stop it. And when it does, I am going to be surprised by the peacefulness of it....so surprised that I might mistake my creative venture as being dead or not going anywhere. However, I will breathe life into it and it will bring me great joy and contentment.

Now for the last part about my mother in law cutting the umbilical cord. Well, I've had think about that. This part didn't come to me in the moments after the dream. I have been dwelling on it and have conjured up a possibility.

First, I am not sure that my MIL, personally, has anything to do with it. I have great respect and admiration for MIL. She is a truly inspirational woman who I look to for guidance in many areas of life, both spiritual and practical. I think she might just be symbolic of a maternal or spiritual elder, someone who will guide me and give me advice about how to help the give the baby its own life.

And, I think the cutting of the umbilical cord represents, just as it does in real life, making the child self sustaining, not relying on the mother's biological resources to live. In other words, although I will be caring for "my baby", it will be able to grow and live on it's on strength.

Hey, I really don't know exactly what all it means it, but its fun to imagine!
Thanks for "listening".

My Dream Last Night

Totally off topic.... last night I dreamed that I gave birth to a baby girl. This dream was very vivid and detailed and felt significant. (I think it has been a while since I slept long enough or deep enough to dream. I used to have very vivid dreams every night.) I feel an urge to write about it, but first.....

**On the unlikely chance that there might be a male reader amongst my 3 or 4 readers, or for anyone who might not be up for this, be warned: I am going to use a bit of possibly graphic child birthing imagery while describing my dream. **

My first memory of this dream is standing at my kitchen sink with Gabe. I tell him that I've just realized I am in the process of giving birth to a baby. I tell him I had no idea I was pregnant, however, every time I stand still the baby begins to "come out". And I feel this happening as I am standing to tell him this. I don't look or feel pregnant, but I am having that very distinct sensation of a baby actually being born, not the labor pains but just the final culmination where at last, the baby appears from the womb. Its not painful, but just that unique feeling of a baby crowning, mothers everywhere will know what I mean.

I decide to walk because when I walk this birth process is stopped, the baby disappears back inside of me. When I walk I can carry on as if everything is normal and stop this thing from happening.

(Gosh, this is so graphic and personal, why I am sharing this? I guess because of the symbolism that I have placed on this dream, which I will get to in a minute. Feel free to stop reading and let me process the dream in the private, if you like.)

Now, I am walking in my house, back and forth and all is well. Evidently, I am not ready to have this baby. There is no anxiety about it, just a sense of, "I am going to hold this off as long as I can."

As it only happens in dreams, suddenly my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are standing in my hallway. I stop to explain to them that I am having a baby, but as long as I keep moving the birthing process stops and that's why I am walking around the house.

In the split second in which I stop to talk them, the baby is now sliding out and this time it can't be stopped. I reach "down there" and I can feel the child's head pushing out. Again, there is no pain, just that one-of-a-kind feeling of a baby being born. It all happens very quickly and just like that I am holding the child in my arms.

The baby is a girl with a shock of black hair, eyes closed sweetly and a smile on her face. She is not crying, but rather, totally silent; really quite shocking in her silence and stillness. I wonder if she is alive and place my mouth on hers, breathe a breath into her lungs and her eyes open. Now she is looking right at me, right into my eyes, smiling, completely still and silent. Her smile feels, to me, to be one of total contentment and joy. I look at her with a odd wonderment and think to myself, "Is she okay? She's not moving or making a sound, but look at that smile.... she must be okay."

I am still squatting my hallway holding my slippery newborn. I call to my mother-in-law who has left the room to take a phone call. She is chatting casually on her cell phone and I call out to her to ask if she can help me cut the umbilical cord which is still pulsing blood from me to the baby. She says she'll be there in a minute.

End of dream.

I think I'll get to my feelings of what this all means later.

I don't know what to call this.

........Warning.... This is more personal and journal-esque than the posts I usually write. Beware the stream-of-consciousness type rambling and mood swings, lack of focus and direction (come to think of it, all of the things that got me feeling like this in the first place) ..........


I don't regret my time at Warren Wilson College. I don't regret the education that I received, the friends I made, the overall wonderful experience that I had during my years there. In fact, I treasure all of those things; I am grateful and I know that my life was changed for the better because of that time in my life.

I do regret that I am 20,000 dollars in debt. I regret that my husband is writing the check every month; that I am not using my degree in any way and might never use it in the way I intended when I accrued all that debt.

My twenty year old self saw no need to worry about the numbers and frankly, I hardly remember giving it a second thought. How naive. I want to blame it on my parents or the student loan counselors for not teaching about money and debt and the consequences of all those promissory notes. But, I know that I wouldn't have cared then. I was sure that I was doing the right thing and that I would pay it all back one day when I was working my dream job.

The dream job that never came. I could never decide what I wanted to do. I second guessed my major almost from the minute I choose it. But felt is was such an important field and so interesting that I should be studying it.

Agro-ecology is.... a good thing, very important, fascinating, and needed now more than ever. Agro-ecology. Agro-ecology. I actually would enjoy some aspects of what my degree qualifies me for, I think. I've never written a resume. In my whole life. I've never tried to get the big job or gone for the big interview. I floated, traveled, freelanced and then married and reproduced.

I know that I am doing just exactly what I meant to do right now: raising my children, supporting my husband, the best that I can. We are going to home school and I am so excited. I really can't wait to get started.

I am not ever going to have a full-time, out- of- the home job, Lord willing, while my children are growing and living at home. I am committed to this. And not out of self-righteous, holier- than- thou fanaticism, although I'm sure I sound that way at times, but because I want it and it pleases me and I don't want to miss a moment with my children and I want to pour into them the very best I have to offer as a mom.

All of this to say: I still want to work, to contribute financially, to produce and be creative; to have an outlet, to feel satisfied with a job well done, to own a business and for goodness sake, somehow justify the 20 grand!

My regret is classic, timeless, really: If only I knew then what I knew now.

If only, if only, if only.

In high school, I was an artist. A good artist, in the excelled art classes. I had confidence and I did good work. I went to art camps. It was a given that I would be an artist one day. I knew I could go to college to study graphic design and I was strongly encouraged to do so. I refused, deciding then that graphic design was commercial, sleek and heartless. I wanted to do.... something else. I never really did figure out what. Dropped out of high school, let the world creep into my mind and heart... never made my way back to art.

Now, now. ARRRGGGHHHHH! Now I see. My high school days were before the widespread proliferation of the internet and all that it entails. Now. Now I wish I was a graphic designer with an emphasis on website design and development. Working from home, freelance. I think I would really enjoy it. I know I would.

Now. Now, I am scheming and trying to figure out how I can teach myself or take online classes or go to night school or just accept that I missed my chance.... I am a stay at home mom and that's as good as it's going to get.....

P.S.
I am feeling better now.
It so silly to lament that which cannot be changed, the lame old, musty old past. I have dreams. I have goals. I am living out one of them each day- Best Mom Ever. I want to own a small farm, grow my own food, sell crafts and yummy food stuffs from my farmstead by day, freelance graphic design by night. Home school, I said that one. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I'll find a way. I'm a late bloomer. Confidence no longer comes easy to me. All these things. I'm going to work it out somehow.