Friday, January 30, 2009

I don't know what to call this.

........Warning.... This is more personal and journal-esque than the posts I usually write. Beware the stream-of-consciousness type rambling and mood swings, lack of focus and direction (come to think of it, all of the things that got me feeling like this in the first place) ..........

I don't regret my time at Warren Wilson College. I don't regret the education that I received, the friends I made, the overall wonderful experience that I had during my years there. In fact, I treasure all of those things; I am grateful and I know that my life was changed for the better because of that time in my life.

I do regret that I am 20,000 dollars in debt. I regret that my husband is writing the check every month; that I am not using my degree in any way and might never use it in the way I intended when I accrued all that debt.

My twenty year old self saw no need to worry about the numbers and frankly, I hardly remember giving it a second thought. How naive. I want to blame it on my parents or the student loan counselors for not teaching about money and debt and the consequences of all those promissory notes. But, I know that I wouldn't have cared then. I was sure that I was doing the right thing and that I would pay it all back one day when I was working my dream job.

The dream job that never came. I could never decide what I wanted to do. I second guessed my major almost from the minute I choose it. But felt is was such an important field and so interesting that I should be studying it.

Agro-ecology is.... a good thing, very important, fascinating, and needed now more than ever. Agro-ecology. Agro-ecology. I actually would enjoy some aspects of what my degree qualifies me for, I think. I've never written a resume. In my whole life. I've never tried to get the big job or gone for the big interview. I floated, traveled, freelanced and then married and reproduced.

I know that I am doing just exactly what I meant to do right now: raising my children, supporting my husband, the best that I can. We are going to home school and I am so excited. I really can't wait to get started.

I am not ever going to have a full-time, out- of- the home job, Lord willing, while my children are growing and living at home. I am committed to this. And not out of self-righteous, holier- than- thou fanaticism, although I'm sure I sound that way at times, but because I want it and it pleases me and I don't want to miss a moment with my children and I want to pour into them the very best I have to offer as a mom.

All of this to say: I still want to work, to contribute financially, to produce and be creative; to have an outlet, to feel satisfied with a job well done, to own a business and for goodness sake, somehow justify the 20 grand!

My regret is classic, timeless, really: If only I knew then what I knew now.

If only, if only, if only.

In high school, I was an artist. A good artist, in the excelled art classes. I had confidence and I did good work. I went to art camps. It was a given that I would be an artist one day. I knew I could go to college to study graphic design and I was strongly encouraged to do so. I refused, deciding then that graphic design was commercial, sleek and heartless. I wanted to do.... something else. I never really did figure out what. Dropped out of high school, let the world creep into my mind and heart... never made my way back to art.

Now, now. ARRRGGGHHHHH! Now I see. My high school days were before the widespread proliferation of the internet and all that it entails. Now. Now I wish I was a graphic designer with an emphasis on website design and development. Working from home, freelance. I think I would really enjoy it. I know I would.

Now. Now, I am scheming and trying to figure out how I can teach myself or take online classes or go to night school or just accept that I missed my chance.... I am a stay at home mom and that's as good as it's going to get.....

I am feeling better now.
It so silly to lament that which cannot be changed, the lame old, musty old past. I have dreams. I have goals. I am living out one of them each day- Best Mom Ever. I want to own a small farm, grow my own food, sell crafts and yummy food stuffs from my farmstead by day, freelance graphic design by night. Home school, I said that one. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I'll find a way. I'm a late bloomer. Confidence no longer comes easy to me. All these things. I'm going to work it out somehow.


  1. Oh Liz...
    I know what you mean, but, I think it all will come into play. God has a purpose for you, and right now you are focusing on being an incredible Mom. In your vast future I see you pulling together all the random threads of your life and education into something exciting. Let it be a mystery! It will unfold. And as for the debt~ I know how you feel. But that too will one day pass. and your babies will get older and go on to use all that you taught them, and leave the nest~ and so parenting on the intensive level you are right now will one day pass too...
    I wish you had more confidence, because you are so multi-talented, and hard working. Find a way to stop being so hard on yourself. You are probably thinking right now, that this is why you don't write personal stream of consciousness posts. Well I appreciate your honesty. I think you are headed exactly where you should be.

  2. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I also have 20,000 in student loans to pay back for a degree that I am not, and probably never will be, using. I spent most of 2008 feeling lost and purposeless. Thankfully, God interfered and gave me a direction, but I still have moments when I feel totally adrift. I thank you for being so candid in your post. It's nice to know I'm not the only mommy who sometimes doesn't have a clue!