...about how our renovations are progressing; how one project wickedly mutated into 10.
...about our upcoming vacation and how we were given $2000 with specific instructions to use the money only for a vacation!
...about the tornado (yes, true) that ripped through our neighborhood and down our street last night, leaving a path of destruction steps from and completely not including our house. Thankfully, all of our neighbors are safe, but many suffered property damage.
...about Gabe's oral surgery tomorrow.
...and while speaking of Gabe, I want tell you how he conquered work that needed weeks to be accomplished in only days, living in a construction zone; our house devoid of all modern comfort.
....and how his truck died last week during renovations, leaving him to walk to work everyday (since we were out of town). His days while we were gone: Wake in construction zone, walk to work, work, walk home, work on the house to the wee hours, sleep in construction zone, repeat.
...also how E. has started hitting me; how we have been so at odds lately, like two people who hardly know how to be together and how sad this makes me; how I know that it is my fault but I don't know how to fix it; about how deeply I long to heal our relationship and fix what has been broken somehow, somewhere.
...how A. is still not crawling (she is almost 10 months old now) and I am beginning to worry. And about the guilty truth that I like that she doesn't crawl because it makes her my baby in my arms for a little longer.
...how I might be depressed, or maybe just tired and overwhelmed.
...about my decision to be fit again; that I will begin with a complete overhaul of my body and mind...how being out of shape, overweight, lazy and gluttonous not only encourages the worst in myself but also mocks God--Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and your spirit which are God's. -1 Cor 6:19-20
...how our kitchen and bathroom cabinets ( rather old and rotten) were ruined during our renovations last week; how we have 0$ to spend on new ones.
...and, lastly, how we were given a complete set of kitchen cabinets and a bathroom vanity from a perfect stranger yesterday because the Holy Spirit told him to (his words).
I want to tell you all of these things and more. I want to go into detail and share all this with you as if we were girlfriends sipping coffee, in a quiet cafe, having the mom's night out that I so desperately crave right now. Sigh. Maybe one day. But not tonight and probably not for a while. Life is upside down and I am hanging tight on trying not to fall off until it rights itself.
But the Lord is good. And He is good to us.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
James 1:17
James 1:17
Oh Liz! That is A LOT to fit into one heart, one day, one family...
ReplyDeleteOne step at a time I guess. And how wonderful about God and your cabinets!
so many beautiful gifts from God in this post.
ReplyDeleteand my heart hears your parenting worries and fears as well. your little ones are so precious and you want to do everything well, to train and nurture and tenderly care for these priceless ones. i hear you and know just how you feel.
we have been through many ups and downs with our kids. i confess to holding my "baby" far longer than he needed holding. i am not joking...i think i still picked him up during worship service when he was 5 years old. i just couldn't bear to not have a babe in arms.
your little one will crawl away one day soon. if she is willing to stay in your arms...it's okay. just breathe her in and love her and hold her. it's all good.
and your E and his hitting. it's okay. normal. you will find yourself at odds many times over his life. you will cause wounds with your words or your actions many times in his lifetime. that is just truth. but your heart is right to long for reconciliation and you will have it. dear Liz, if you could peek into the mess i have made in this house with my wicked heart and mouth sometimes...and the Lord ALWAYS restores. He always rebuilds and covers my sin with His goodness. He will do that in your house too because you long for Him too. He is faithful.
tonight i pray for you and for the peace of the Lord to fill every place in your home and heart.
sending much love.
tonia
Liz, I have been meaning to send you an e-mail to tell you how much your comment on my post meant to me, and then I come hear and see your heart all in shambles too... *sigh* I have felt many of the same emotions at various points, so please take this with the kind intent and knowledge that I know very little BUT, *deep breath* It's okay, really, all of it is. Your sweet children, and the chaos of construction, and needing a night out... It is NOT your fault that your little E. is hitting you. It is a normal developmental stage that many, many children go through, and it is not the result of how you are relating to him. And your little one not crawling at 10 months? Mine didn't crawl till 13 (and walked at 14)! It's not selfish to hold your own child, especially if that's what she needs right now. You are doing a great job being a responsive mother. *Another deep breath* Do you feel better already? Can you slip out for a drink with a friend for an hour? Taking care of your self is such an important part of being a good wife and mother. It is very difficult to love others when we don't love ourselves. It's right in there in the second commandment! ;) I wish you peace, acceptance, and joy. I think a vacation sounds just about right! Blessings to you and yours. Breathe in the peace that is God's breath. And know that you are not alone. Even though I'm just a-friend-of-a-friend, you can drop me a note any time!
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