Totally off topic.... last night I dreamed that I gave birth to a baby girl. This dream was very vivid and detailed and felt significant. (I think it has been a while since I slept long enough or deep enough to dream. I used to have very vivid dreams every night.) I feel an urge to write about it, but first.....
**On the unlikely chance that there might be a male reader amongst my 3 or 4 readers, or for anyone who might not be up for this, be warned: I am going to use a bit of possibly graphic child birthing imagery while describing my dream. **
My first memory of this dream is standing at my kitchen sink with Gabe. I tell him that I've just realized I am in the process of giving birth to a baby. I tell him I had no idea I was pregnant, however, every time I stand still the baby begins to "come out". And I feel this happening as I am standing to tell him this. I don't look or feel pregnant, but I am having that very distinct sensation of a baby actually being born, not the labor pains but just the final culmination where at last, the baby appears from the womb. Its not painful, but just that unique feeling of a baby crowning, mothers everywhere will know what I mean.
I decide to walk because when I walk this birth process is stopped, the baby disappears back inside of me. When I walk I can carry on as if everything is normal and stop this thing from happening.
(Gosh, this is so graphic and personal, why I am sharing this? I guess because of the symbolism that I have placed on this dream, which I will get to in a minute. Feel free to stop reading and let me process the dream in the private, if you like.)
Now, I am walking in my house, back and forth and all is well. Evidently, I am not ready to have this baby. There is no anxiety about it, just a sense of, "I am going to hold this off as long as I can."
As it only happens in dreams, suddenly my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are standing in my hallway. I stop to explain to them that I am having a baby, but as long as I keep moving the birthing process stops and that's why I am walking around the house.
In the split second in which I stop to talk them, the baby is now sliding out and this time it can't be stopped. I reach "down there" and I can feel the child's head pushing out. Again, there is no pain, just that one-of-a-kind feeling of a baby being born. It all happens very quickly and just like that I am holding the child in my arms.
The baby is a girl with a shock of black hair, eyes closed sweetly and a smile on her face. She is not crying, but rather, totally silent; really quite shocking in her silence and stillness. I wonder if she is alive and place my mouth on hers, breathe a breath into her lungs and her eyes open. Now she is looking right at me, right into my eyes, smiling, completely still and silent. Her smile feels, to me, to be one of total contentment and joy. I look at her with a odd wonderment and think to myself, "Is she okay? She's not moving or making a sound, but look at that smile.... she must be okay."
I am still squatting my hallway holding my slippery newborn. I call to my mother-in-law who has left the room to take a phone call. She is chatting casually on her cell phone and I call out to her to ask if she can help me cut the umbilical cord which is still pulsing blood from me to the baby. She says she'll be there in a minute.
End of dream.
I think I'll get to my feelings of what this all means later.